- Misquotes - & One Liners
I started out with
nothing, and I still have most of it.
"Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that
happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to
the same person?" - Francois de LaRochefoucauld
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself." -- A.
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be."-
Three o'clock is always
too late or too early for anything you want to do."-
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do." --
Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to
~ Max Frisch
A pessimist is an optimist who's been to Las Vegas.
If I don't have any money to pay her, will my psychic know it? ~
"We musta had the wrong ticket. The man at the door got mad and tore it in
~ Phil Istine
Never try to tell
everything you know. It may take too short a time."- Norman Ford
Something bugging you? You look
My boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings day trading,
Oh, that's too bad. I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him.
Yes He's going
to miss me.
it's a joke !
Just got this in from a reliable
source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the
most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it ..... so
be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before
Symptoms of the Senile
1. Causes you to send the same
2. Causes you to send blank
3. Causes you to send e-mail to
the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail
back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to
6. Causes you to hit "SEND"
before you've finished the e-mail.
I don't remember if I sent this
I don't think I did...or did you
send it to me??
Funny, I don't remember being
God grant me the senility to
forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones
I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference .
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse
to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing,
and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into
prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head
together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being
5. Funny, I don't remember being
6. All reports are in; life is
now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is
8. It is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser.
9. Funny, I don't remember being
10. Some days you're the dog;
some days you're the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped
here; I sure could use a few...
12. Kids in the back seat cause
13. Accidents in the back seat
14. Strange , I don't remember
being absent minded...
15. It's hard to make a come
back when you haven't been anywhere.
16. The only time the world
beats a path to your door is when you're in
17. If God wanted me to touch my
toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. When I'm finally holding all
the cards, why does everyone decide to
19 Wierd , I don't remember
being absent minded...
20. It's not hard to meet
expenses... they're everywhere.
21. The only difference between
a rut and a grave is the depth.
22. These days, I spend a lot of
time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then
wonder what I'm here after.
23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I
HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
24. Funny, I don't remember
being . . . . . absent minded...
Now, I think you're supposed to
send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10,
oh, heck, just send it to a
bunch of your friends if you can remember who
they are. Then something is
supposed to happen... I think. Maybe you get
your memory back or something! I
The shortest distance between two points is under construction."- Noelie
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who
have not got it." ~ George Bernard Shaw
If you want the last word in an argument, say, "You're right." Anon
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or
~ Darrin Weinberg
If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either. Anon
"Happiness can't buy money." ~ Bob Hope
Men are like bank accounts... Without a lot of money, they don't generate
much interest. Anon
Experience: That sinking feeling that you have made this mistake before.
Units of measurement
Time between slipping on a peel
and smacking the pavement= 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries
with God = 1 billigram
Shortest distance between
two jokes = A straight line.
453.6 graham crackers = 1
1012 Microphones = 1
1 million bicycles = 2
100 rations = 1 C-ration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
1021 piccolos = 1 gigolo
1012 planes = 1 terraplane
3 dents = 1 trident
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
2 x 103 millenaries = 4
10-5 dollars = 1 Millicent
1012 antellas = 1 tarantella
109 antics = 1 gigantic
102 tics = 1 hectic
10 aides = 1 decade
10-1 mal = 1 decimal
10-3 female sheep = 1 milieu
2 doctors = 1 paradox
100 Senators = Not 1
The human race is faced
with a cruel choice: work or daytime television." -- Unknown
Wisdom of the ages...
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would
put them down and forget where they left them.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone
in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Sometimes I think I understand everything,
then I regain consciousness.
One of life's mysteries: How can a 2 pound box of candy
make a woman gain 5 pounds?
The best way to forget all your troubles
is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that
when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight
because by then, your body and your fat are really
You know you're getting
~ Your knees, they buckle, but your belt, he won't.
~ After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before
applying a second coat.
~ When you don't know where the mustache ends and the nose hair begins.
~ You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
~ Your back goes out... more than you do.
~ A fortune teller offers to read your face.
~ Maalox is your after dinner drink of choice.
~ You burn the midnight oil until well after 9 p.m..
~ You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
Once asked to name the
chief qualification a politician should have- Winston Churchill replied :
"It's the ability to foretell what will happen tomorrow, next month, and next
year - and to explain afterward why it didn't happen."
"I know that there are
people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!" ~
"Because things are the way
they are, things will not stay the way they are." -Bertolt Brecht
*Best Not To Say This On A
* I used to come here all the
time with my ex.
* I really don't like this
restaurant that much, but I wanted to use
this 2-for-1 coupon before it
* I refuse to get cable. That's
how they keep tabs on you.
* I never said you NEED a nose
job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to
* Could you excuse me? Buttons,
my cat gets lonely if she doesn't hear my voice
on the answering machine every
* I really feel that I've grown
in the past few years. Used to be I
wouldn't have given someone like
you a second look.
* And I won that trophy in the
inter-fraternity belching contest.
* I know you said you don't eat
anything with a face. But a good
butcher will cut that part off
for you if you ask.
* It's been tough, but I've come
to accept that most people I date just
won't be as smart as I am.
"The computer is a moron." -Peter
"Life does not cease to be
funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." -George
"It's amazing that the
amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the
newspaper." -Jerry Seinfeld
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help
section? " She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no
woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station restrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross at the yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "Assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?
Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why
isn't the whole airplane made out of this stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If the invisible man married the invisible woman, would their kids be much to
Bumper Stickers Seen on Her
Next mood swing: 6 minutes
Coffee, chocolate, men... Some things are just better rich.
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
Sure guys have feelings too... But I'm like... who cares?
God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends.
Dude, if you want breakfast in bed, Sleep in the kitchen!
I'm out of estrogen... And I have a gun.
My mama is a travel agent for guilt trips.
So many men, so few who can afford me.
The 10 Commandments of
1 Preserve thyself.
2 It is easier to fix the blame
than to fix the problem.
3 A penny saved is an oversight.
4 Information deteriorates upward.
5 The first 90% of the task takes 10% of the time;
the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6 Experience: what you get just after you need it.
7 For any given large, complex, hard to understand,
expensive problem, there exists at least one short,
simple, easy, cheap, wrong answer.
8 Anything that can be changed will be,
until time runs out.
9 To err is human;
to shrug is civil service.
10 There's never enough time to do it right, but
there's always enough time to do it over.
the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do
such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad,
vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the
meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary
cooking utensils, and takes
it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on
5. The woman goes inside to
set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to
tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off
the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the
plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off", and upon seeing
her annoyed reaction concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
So then I was pulled over :
"Warning! You want a warning?
O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."
"But occifer... I ony had tee martunis!"
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not.
'Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?'"
"Hey, if you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
"Life's tough... it's tougher if you're stupid."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means
I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"OK... and just how BIG were those two beers?
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a new
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I really
don't think it will help..
Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
I believe you should live
each day as if it is your last. Which is why I don't have any clean laundry
because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
Q: How are men's brains
are like the prison system?
A: Same problem - not enough cells!
Most men are the same, they just have different
faces so you can tell them apart.
Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband,
you will usually find that he is.
Actually women don't make fools of men, most guys...
They're the do-it-yourself types.
Ladies - go for younger men! You might as
well, they never mature anyway.
Q: How are men are like animals?
A: They're messy, insensitive and potentially violent...
but they make great pets!
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men.
Strong, caring, loving, sensitive, gentle, considerate...
They'd be inaccurate, but you could still use them!
If you want a nice man, go for a bald one. They try harder!
Never, never, never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.
No doubt he lies about other things, too.
It is absurd to divide
people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious." -- Oscar
help line :::::::
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1
three times, repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone
to press 2 for you.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and
what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic, a small voice will
tell you the number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't
matter what you press.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please
fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a
message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait
for the beep.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call
will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you have multiple personalities, press
3,4, 5 and 6.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you..
Actual excuse notes from parents (including original
My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,
30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he
fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been
bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
(diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh*ts. [words in the ( )'s
were crossed out]
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had
diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his fathers fault.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot
to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it
Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She
spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
"I fall in love really
quickly and this scares guys away. I'm like, 'I'm in love with you, I want to
marry you, I want to move in with you!' And they're like, 'Ma'am, just give me
the ten bucks for the pizza and I'm outta here.'" Penny Wiggins
received by e-mail
If we could shrink the earth's
population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the
existing human ratios remaining
the same, it would look something like the following:
There would be:
14 from the Western Hemisphere,
both north and south
52 would be female
48 would be male
70 would be non-white
30 would be white
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual
6 people would possess 59% of the
entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United
80 would live in substandard
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death; 1 would be
1 (yes, only 1) would have a
1 would own a computer
When one considers our world from
such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance,
understanding and education
becomes glaringly apparent.
The following is also something
to ponder. . .
If you woke up this morning with
more health than illness. . . you are more blessed than themillion who will
not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the
danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the
pangs of starvation. . . you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church
meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death. . . you are
more blessed than three billion people in the world.
If you have food in the
refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep. . .
you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in
your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace . . . you are among the top
8% of the world's wealthy.
If your parents are still alive
and still married. . . you are very rare, even in the United States and
If you can read this message, you
just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and
furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world
that cannot read at all.
Someone once said:
around comes around.
you don't need the money.
you've never been hurt.
it's Heaven on Earth.
Pass this on, and brighten
Nothing will happen if you do not
decide to pass it along.
The only thing that will happen,
if you DO pass it on, is that someone might smile because of you.
of a rabbit has the most fur?
~ The outside.
What does it mean when the Easter Bunny arrives one day late with melted
~ He probably had a bad hare day.
How does a rabbit make gold soup?
~ He begins with 24 carrots.
What do you get when you pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole?
~ Hot cross bunnies!
What do you call twentyfive rabbits in a row all marching backwards?
~ A receding hareline.
* Please note - to the best of my knowledge all
of these entries are in the public realm and are accurately reproduced and
attributed. If you notice an error please let me know how to correct it . If you
have something that should be included please send an e-mail with that
material. Please do not send copy-written material .Thanks - Gordon -
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Words of Wisdom
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Copyright © 2006 by J. Gordon Anderson. All rights reserved.