Quotes -  Misquotes - & One Liners

Page  9

 I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.  


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"Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?" - Francois de LaRochefoucauld

   

 

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself." -- A. H. Weiler 

  

 

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be."- Paul Valery

 

   

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do."- Jean-Paul Sartre

  

  

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do." -- Dylan Thomas

 

   

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."   
    ~ Max Frisch

 

 
   
   A pessimist is an optimist who's been to Las Vegas.

  


   
   If I don't have any money to pay her, will my psychic know it?    ~ Lawrence Brotherton

 


   
   "We musta had the wrong ticket. The man at the door got mad and tore it in half."   
    ~ Phil Istine

  

 

 Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time."- Norman Ford

  

 

   Something bugging you?   You look worried.
   
  
My boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings day trading,
   
  Oh, that's too bad.  I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him.

 Yes He's going to miss me.

 

 it's a joke !

   

NEW VIRUS   

                                                               

 Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there  is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most    advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it ..... so be   warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1957!

                                                                           

 Symptoms of the Senile Virus:                                             

                                                                           

                                                                           

 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.                              

 2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.                                       

 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.                         

 4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.       

 5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.                            

 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.            

                                                                           

                                                                           

 Remember???????????                                                       

                                                                           

                                                                           

 I don't remember if I sent this one out.........                          

 I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??                          

 

  Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...                            

                                                                           

                                                                           

 God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell  the difference .

                                                         

                                                                           

                                                                           

 Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

                                                                           

                                                                           

 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.               

                                                                           

                                                                           

 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.                     

                                                                           

                                                                           

 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.          

                                                                           

                                                                           

 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...                         

                                                                           

                                                                           

 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...                         

                                                                           

                                                                           

 6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.                     

                                                                           

                                                                           

 7. If all is not lost, where is it?                                       

                                                                           

                                                                           

 8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.                     

                                                                           

                                                                           

 9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...                         

                                                                           

                                                                           

 10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.               

                                                                           

                                                                           

 11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...               

                                                                           

                                                                           

 12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.                                

                                                                           

                                                                           

 13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.                                

                                                                           

                                                                           

 14. Strange , I don't remember being absent minded...                        

                                                                           

                                                                           

 15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.         

                                                                           

                                                                           

 16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in   

 the bathroom.                                                             

                                                                           

                                                                           

 17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

                                                                           

                                                                           

 18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to   

 play chess?                                                               

                                                                           

                                                                           

 19 Wierd , I don't remember being absent minded...                        

                                                                           

                                                                           

 20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.                 

                                                                           

                                                                           

 21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.           

                                                                           

                                                                           

 22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go  somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.           

                                                                           

                                                                           

 23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!          

                                                                           

                                                                           

 24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...              

                                                                                                                                                       

 Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10,   

 oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who 

 they are. Then something is supposed to happen... I think. Maybe you get  

 your memory back or something! I think...                                                                                          

                                                                           

                                                                           

  

The shortest distance between two points is under construction."- Noelie Altito

   

  "The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."   ~ George Bernard Shaw
   

   
   If you want the last word in an argument, say, "You're right." Anon

 
   
   It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
    ~ Darrin Weinberg

 
   
   If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either. Anon

 
   
   "Happiness can't buy money." ~ Bob Hope


   
   Men are like bank accounts...   Without a lot of money,   they don't generate much interest. Anon

   

Experience: That sinking feeling that you have made this mistake before.  Unknown

  

Units of measurement

  

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement= 1 bananosecond

 

     Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

 

     Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line.

 

     453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

 

     1012 Microphones = 1 megaphone

 

     1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

 

     100 rations = 1 C-ration

 

     2 monograms = 1 diagram

 

     1021 piccolos = 1 gigolo

 

     1012 planes = 1 terraplane

 

     3 dents = 1 trident

 

     3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

 

     2 x 103 millenaries = 4 seminaries

 

     10-5 dollars = 1 Millicent

 

     1012 antellas = 1 tarantella

 

     109 antics = 1 gigantic

 

     102 tics = 1 hectic

 

     10 aides = 1 decade

 

     10-1 mal = 1 decimal

 

     10-3 female sheep = 1 milieu

 

     2 doctors = 1 paradox

 

     100 Senators = Not 1 decision 

  

The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television." -- Unknown

 

   
   Wisdom of the ages...
   
   Women over 50 don't have babies because they would
    put them down and forget where they left them.
   
   Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone
    in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
   
   Sometimes I think I understand everything,
    then I regain consciousness.
   
   One of life's mysteries: How can a 2 pound box of candy
    make a woman gain 5 pounds?
   
   The best way to forget all your troubles
    is to wear tight shoes.
   
   The nice part about living in a small town is that
    when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
   
   My mind not only wanders, it sometimes
    leaves completely.
   
   The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight
    because by then, your body and your fat are really
    good friends.

 

 

 You know you're getting older when:
   
    ~ Your knees, they buckle, but your belt, he won't.
   
    ~ After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
   
    ~ When you don't know where the mustache ends and the nose hair begins.
   
    ~ You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
   
    ~ Your back goes out... more than you do.
   
    ~ A fortune teller offers to read your face.
   
    ~ Maalox is your after dinner drink of choice.
   
    ~ You burn the midnight oil until well after 9 p.m..
   
    ~ You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

 

  

Once asked to name the chief qualification a politician should have- Winston Churchill replied :
 "It's the ability to foretell what will happen tomorrow, next month, and next year - and to explain afterward why it didn't happen."

  

 "I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!"    ~ Tom Lehrer

   

"Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are."   -Bertolt Brecht 

  

  

*Best  Not To Say This  On A Date*

 

* I used to come here all the time with my ex.

 

* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use

this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

 

* I refuse to get cable.  That's how they keep tabs on you.

 

* I never said you NEED a nose job.  I just said it wouldn't hurt to

consider it.

 

* Could you excuse me?  Buttons, my cat gets lonely if she doesn't hear my voice

on the answering machine every hour.

 

* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years.  Used to be I

wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

 

* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

 

* I know you said you don't eat anything with a face.  But a good

butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.

 

* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just

won't be as smart as I am.

 

 

  

"The computer is a moron."    -Peter Drucker

   

"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh."       -George Bernard Shaw  

 

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."    -Jerry Seinfeld 

 

 

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section? " She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station restrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do they get deer to cross at the yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. How is it possible to have a civil war?

28. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

29. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

30. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

31. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

32. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "Assteroids"?

33. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

34. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?

35. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

36. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of this stuff?

37. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

38. If the invisible man married the invisible woman, would their kids be much to look at?  

 


   

 

Bumper Stickers Seen on Her Car:
   
   Next mood swing: 6 minutes
   
   Coffee, chocolate, men...    Some things are just better rich.
   
   Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
   
   Sure guys have feelings too...    But I'm like... who cares?
   
   God made us sisters,    Prozac made us friends.
   
   Dude, if you want breakfast in bed,    Sleep in the kitchen!
   
   I'm out of estrogen...    And I have a gun.
   
   My mama is a travel agent for guilt trips.
   
   So many men, so few who can afford me.

 

  

  

The 10 Commandments of Bureaucracy
   
    1 Preserve thyself.
   
    2 It is easier to fix the blame
    than to fix the problem.
   
    3 A penny saved is an oversight.
   
    4 Information deteriorates upward.
   
    5 The first 90% of the task takes 10% of the time;
    the last 10% takes the other 90%.
   
    6 Experience: what you get just after you need it.
   
    7 For any given large, complex, hard to understand,
    expensive problem, there exists at least one short,
    simple, easy, cheap, wrong answer.
   
    8 Anything that can be changed will be,
    until time runs out.
   
    9 To err is human;
    to shrug is civil service.
   
   10 There's never enough time to do it right, but
    there's always enough time to do it over.

 

 

  

 Barbecue -

  It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

 
1. The woman goes to the store.

 

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

 

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary

cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

 

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

 

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

 

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.


9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.


10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off", and upon seeing her annoyed reaction concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

 

 

 

  

So then I was pulled over :

 

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again
              or I'll give you another ticket."
   

             "But occifer... I ony had tee martunis!"
   

              "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.
             'Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?'"   


               "Hey, if you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

              
              "In God we trust, all others are suspects."


   
               "Life's tough... it's tougher if you're stupid." 


   
   
            "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means
             I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"


   
             "OK... and just how BIG were those two beers?


   
               "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a new microwave!"


   
             "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I really don't think it will help..
             Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
 

 

  

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last. Which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Anon

 

She said  

   Q: How are men's brains are like the prison system?
   A: Same problem - not enough cells!
   
   Most men are the same, they just have different
    faces so you can tell them apart.
   
   Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband,
    you will usually find that he is.
   
   Actually women don't make fools of men, most guys...
    They're the do-it-yourself types.
   
   Ladies - go for younger men! You might as
    well, they never mature anyway.
   
   Q: How are men are like animals?
   A: They're messy, insensitive and potentially violent...
    but they make great pets!
   
   There are a lot of words you can use to describe men.
    Strong, caring, loving, sensitive, gentle, considerate...
    They'd be inaccurate, but you could still use them!
   
   If you want a nice man, go for a bald one. They try harder!
   
   Never, never, never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.
    No doubt he lies about other things, too. 

 

 

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious." -- Oscar Wilde

  

 Psychology help line :::::::

 

 

 

 

Actual excuse notes from parents (including original

spellings)

 

     My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today.

     Please execute him.

 

     Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

 

     Dear School Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,

     30, 31, 32, and also 33.

 

     Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

 

     Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he

     fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

 

     John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

 

     Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.

     He was hurt in the growing part.

 

     Megan could not come to school today because she has been

     bothered by very close veins.

 

     Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

 

     Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose

     vowels.

 

     Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had

     (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh*ts. [words in the ( )'s

     were crossed out]

 

 

     Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had

     diarrhea and his boots leak.

 

     Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

 

     Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his fathers fault.

 

     Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot

     to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it

     Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

 

     Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend

     her funeral.

 

     My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She

     spent a weekend with the Marines.

 

     Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed

     with gramps.

 

     Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

 

     Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

 

  

 "I fall in love really quickly and this scares guys away. I'm like, 'I'm in love with you, I want to marry you, I want to move in with you!' And they're like, 'Ma'am, just give me the ten bucks for the pizza and I'm outta here.'"   Penny Wiggins

  

 

received by e-mail

 

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the

existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:

 

There would be:

 

57 Asians

 

21 Europeans

 

14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south

 

8 Africans

 

52 would be female

 

48 would be male

 

70 would be non-white

 

30 would be white

 

70 would be non-Christian

 

30 would be Christian

 

89 would be heterosexual

 

11 would be homosexual

 

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United

States.

 

80 would live in substandard housing

 

70 would be unable to read

 

50 would suffer from malnutrition

 

1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth

 

1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education

 

1 would own a computer

 

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective,  the need for acceptance,

understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent.  

The following is also something to ponder. . .  

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness. . . you are more blessed than themillion who will not survive this week.  

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation. . . you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.  

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest,  torture, or death. . .  you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.  

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep. . . you are richer than 75% of this world.  

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace . . . you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.  

If your parents are still alive and still married. . . you are very rare,  even in the United States and Canada.  

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.  

Someone once said:  

What goes around comes around.

Work like you don't need the money.

Love like you've never been hurt.

Dance like nobody's watching.

Sing like nobody's listening.

Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

  

Pass this on, and brighten someone's day.  

Nothing will happen if you do not decide to pass it along.  

The only thing that will happen, if you DO pass it on, is that someone might smile because of  you.

 

 

 

 

Which side of a rabbit has the most fur?
    ~ The outside.


   
   What does it mean when the Easter Bunny arrives one day late with melted candy?
    ~ He probably had a bad hare day.


   
   How does a rabbit make gold soup?
    ~ He begins with 24 carrots.


   
   What do you get when you pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole?
    ~ Hot cross bunnies!


   
   What  do you call  twentyfive rabbits in a row all marching backwards?
    ~ A receding hareline.
                       

                                                                                                                                       

 


*  Please note - to the best of my knowledge all of these entries are in the public realm and are accurately reproduced and attributed. If you notice an error please let me know how to correct it . If you have something  that should be included please send an e-mail with that material.  Please do not send copy-written material .Thanks - Gordon -      use this link >    E-Mail
             

 

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